The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of the”k”. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e”s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze vurld!

1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. You can’t trust a dog to watch your food.
5. Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a Tic-Tac.
6. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
7. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
8. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

Great Truths About Life That Adults Have Learned:

1. Families are like fudge … mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
2. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
3. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.
4. If you can remain calm, you don’t have all the facts.
5. Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s acorn that held its ground.
6. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
7. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
8. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.

The Four Stages of Life:

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3. You become Santa Claus.
4. You start to look like Santa Claus.

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 PM traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 PM at a spee! d of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said “Look friend, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights
out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said he didn’t realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following:

Please join me in remembering a great icon. The Pilsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours.

As long-time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.

He was not considered a very “smart” cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even still, he was a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.

Warning: This item ranks in the special Very Bad Humour category, and may be offensive to some (as though everything in Email Wasteland wasn’t offensive anyway).

Read the following Chinese Phrases aloud to complete this lesson:

This has been circulating for quite awhile, and has several variations.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
• You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
• You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them Worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
• You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• You count them and learn you have five cows.
• You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
• You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
• You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

• You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
• You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• You have 300 people milking them.
• You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A WELSH CORPORATION

• You have two cows.
• That one on the left is kinda cute.

The Enron Addition

Usually this new category falls, we feel inappropriately, at the beginning of the original. We feel it is appropriate to add this section to the end, to preserve the original piece in its untarnished state. The last three sentences are the very latest addition.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

• You have two cows.
• You sell one and buy a bull.
• Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
• You sell them and retire on the income.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:

• You have two cows.
• You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
• The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
• The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
• You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
• No balance sheet is provided with the release.
• The public buys your bull.

The Birds and the Bees ::

Explaining the birds and the bees in the 21st century, the little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how was I born?”

Dad responds, “Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! So here goes.”

“Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. Then we sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little popup appeared and said:

You’ve Got Male!”

War at Sea – How Canada and the USA Nearly Went to War

This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a US Naval ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

CANADIANS:

Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS:

Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS:

Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS:

This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS:

Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.

AMERICANS:

THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET, WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE
CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

CANADIANS:

We are a lighthouse. Your call.

Movie Collection ::

Here are some of our favourite videos:

1. Rainin’ McCain – HALLELUJAH!

2. Flight of the Conchords

   Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros

   I’m the motherflippin’ Rhymenocerous /

   My beats are fat, and the birds are on my back and I’m horny /

   I’m horny!

   If you choose to proceed /

   You will indeed concede /

   Cause I’ll hit you with my proto wide rhymin’ stampede.

   I’m not just rhymed /

   I’m trained, domesticated /

   I was raised by a rapper and rather dated /

   And subsequently procreated.

   That’s how it goes /

   Here’s the Hiphopopotamus, the Hip hop Hippo.

   They call me the Hiphopopotamus /

   My lyrics are bottomless.

   They call me the Hiphopopotamus /

   Flows that glow like phosphorous /

   Poppin’ off the top of this esophagous /

   Rockin’ this metropolis /

   I’m not a large water-dwelling mammal /

   Where did you get that proposterous hypothesis /

   Did Steve tell you that, perchance?

   Steve!

   My rhymes and records they don’t get played /

   Because my records and rhymes they don’t get made /

   And if you rap like me you don’t get paid /

   And if you roll like me you don’t get laid.

   My rhymes are so potent /

   That in this small segment /

   I made all the ladies in the area pregnant.

   Ya, sometimes my lyrics are sexist /

   But you lovely bitches and ho’s should know I’m trying to correct this.

   Other rappers dis me /

   Say my rhymes are sissy. /

   Why? Why? Why? Why, exactly? Wh-why?

   Be more constructive with your feedback, please.

   Why? Why?

   Why ’cause I rap about reality /

   Like me and my grandma drinking a cup of tea.

   There ain’t no party like my Nana’s tea party.

   Hey! Ho!

   I’m the motherflippin’

   I’m the motherflippin’

   I’m the motherflippin’

   Who’s the motherflippin’

   I’m the motherflippin’

   I’m the motherflippin’

   I’m the motherflippin’

   Motherflippin’

3. Human Tetris

   I can’t explain this. Just watch it. Best to watch it drunk.

4. Think About It

   Funny Flight of the Conchords clip. Best of their songs – the “serious” song addressing “issues”.

5. FedEx Kinkos: The Office Meeting

   This is how every staff meeting should be. I threw in two more FedEx ads, just because they are brilliant.

6. Me and the Big Guy

   More brilliant than funny, this “1984″ spoof stars “Big Brother” and a complete idiot who can’t quite understand he is being oppressed. But there is a twist.