Man Secret Code of Conduct

The Sacred Code of Conduct binding all men has always been unwritten … until now!

Rule #6: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

Rule #85 (The Sergeant Schultz Rule): When queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

Rule #212: Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Rule #404: Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move furniture: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move furniture: You’d rather stay home and watch Speed Buggy reruns.

Rule #723 (The Tuxedo Cloaking Rule): A best-man toast must not include any of the following phrases: “down in Tijuana,” “improbably booting out his nose,” “mostly scabbed over,” or “energetic Greco-Roman orgy.”

Rule #959: You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bullshit. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.)

Rule #1,073: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

Rule #1,219: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

Rule #1,476: The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late: five minutes. Maximum waiting time: six minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1:10 scale.

Rule #1,699: Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

Rule #1,862: A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own: weed whacker, car, firstborn child with 12 hours’ notice. If he damages the item, he must repair it within seven days, even if it means selling his plasma. Exception: If you don’t notice the damage at the hand-off, he gets away scot-free.

Rule #2,901: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your best buddy’s birthday is strictly optional.)

Rule #3,462: The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. The reward formula is as follows: (hours of labour) x (number of boxes) x (flights of stairs) / dollars, in hundreds, of damage to belongings = beers owed. Bonus for the friend who owns the truck: first crack at that hot new neighbour chick.

Rule #3,730: You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

Rule #4,671: While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies’ girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals’ significant dick-heads; low-level sports bonding is all the law requires. (Sorry ladies: It’s called a double standard because it’s twice as true.)

Rule #5,294: Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.

Rule #5,649: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

Rule #5,888 (The Mercy Rule): When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny, loser friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.