Fifteen New Regulations in the BC Registry of Motor Vehicle’s 2009 Handbook.

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident BC driver avoids using them.
2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because somebody else will fill in the space, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance you have of getting hit.
4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with Alberta or Saskatchewan plates. With no insurance, the other operator has nothing to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.
7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It’s a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.
8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in BC during rush hour, especially in Victoria and Vancouver.
9. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a BC driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signalling. BC is the home of high-speed slalom driving; thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and keep them alert.
12. It is tradition in BC to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.
13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle through the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.
14. Remember that the goal of every BC driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.
15. In BC, ‘flipping the bird’ is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.

Due to the recent economic crises, stock market crash, budget cuts, rising unemployment, unstable world conditions, outsourcing of business, the cost of insurance, electricity, petroleum and taxes of all kinds, we regret to advise you that the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

We make few qualms about our hero-worship and near obsession of William Shatner. We know this hardly makes us original, but man is it fun.

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said “Tenpin?” I said, “No, permanent.”

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, “That’s Aboriginal.”

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet: “Best before End.”

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue.” I said “No, just a watch.”

I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.” The bloke said “Kenwood”. I said, “Where is he then?”

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bi-satchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, its P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn’t put it down.

I phoned the local Rambler’s Club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me “What do you think of voluntary work?” I said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”

I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them “Can I have a skip outside my house?” He said, “I’m not stopping you!”

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says “Audi!”

I fancied a game of darts with my mate.. He said, “Nearest the bull goes first” He went “Baah” and I went “Moo”. He said “You’re closest.”

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I’d been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said “I careered off the road.”

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said “Eurostar”. I said “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”

I went to the local video shop and I said, “Can I borrow Batman Forever?” He said, “No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow”.

A waiter asks a man, “May I take your order, sir?” “Yes,” the man replies. “I’m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?” “Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

I loved Reading Rainbow as a child.  This has ruined it for me forever.

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin . In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers – most of whom are unemployed alcoholics – to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi’s bar.

Taking advantage of her customers’ freedom from immediate payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi’s borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank’s corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed. Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.

One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently of course fired, due his negativity) of the bank decides that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi’s bar.

However they cannot pay back the debts.

Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.

DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95 %. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80%.

The suppliers of Heidi’s bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.

The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties.

The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied on the non-drinkers.

Finally . . . an explanation I understand.