Security: UNCLASSIFIED

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named governmentium.

Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. Governmentium’s mass will increase over time since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

Remember the A-Team? You don’t?!? Were you living in a cave in the 1980s?

Here is a little piece of nostalgia for those who wondered why everyone got shot at and nobody died.

Watch this entire video without vomiting, and you win a free iPod!*

Which star regrets being involved in this project the most? I’m going to go with Will Smith.

Here are a few more: Kenny G, Fred Savage, Alyssa Milano, Dudley Moore, Kevin Costner, Gary Busey, Henry Winkler, Brooke Shields, Mike Tyson, Debbie Gibson, Alan Thicke, James Woods, Billy Crystal, Harry Hamlin, and Marylu Henner

* Free iPod contest prizes are subject to availability. Zero iPods are available to be won.

If you haven’t seen Auto-Tune The News yet, you are missing the only valid use of this truly awful technology that has single-handedly ruined the entire R&B genre. It just goes to show that sometimes even good things can come from things that are horribly, terribly, horrifically awful.

Recently a “Husband Super Store” opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands…

First floor

The door had a sign saying, “These men have jobs and love kids.” The women read the sign and said, “Well, that’s better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up they went.

Second floor

The sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.” “Hmmm,” said the ladies, “But, I wonder what’s further up?”

Third floor

This sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.” “Wow,” said the women, “Very tempting.” But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor

This door had a sign saying “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.” “Oh, mercy me,” they cried, “Just think what must be awaiting us further on!

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor

The sign on that door said, “This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs.”

Another gem from Remy … rappin’ about his new hood, Arlington, Virginia. Solid class, yo!