This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPped will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPped employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPped and SCREWed may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPped once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPped or SCREWed by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT) program. We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

The Management

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If you feel that you do not receive your share of SHIT on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the SHIT list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the SHIT you can handle.

Employees who do not take their SHIT will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (DEEPSHIT) Those who fail to take DEEPSHIT seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (EATSHIT).

Since our managers took SHIT before they were promoted, they do not have to do SHIT anymore, as they are all full of SHIT already.

If you are full of SHIT, you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (BULLSHIT) Those who are full of BULLSHIT will get the SHIT jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (DIPSHIT)

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (HOTSHIT)

Thank you,

Boss in General

(BIGSHIT)

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