Life really boils down to 2 questions …

1. Should I get a dog?

2. Should I have children?

Little Douglas was in his class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up – fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

Dougie was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

“My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if an offer’s really good he’ll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money.”

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little Doug aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”

“No,” said Dougie, “He’s a politician, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids!”

1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. You can’t trust a dog to watch your food.
5. Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a Tic-Tac.
6. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
7. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
8. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

Great Truths About Life That Adults Have Learned:

1. Families are like fudge … mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
2. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
3. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.
4. If you can remain calm, you don’t have all the facts.
5. Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s acorn that held its ground.
6. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
7. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
8. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.

The Four Stages of Life:

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3. You become Santa Claus.
4. You start to look like Santa Claus.