The Lord came to Noah in Canada in 2001…

Same story: Earth was wicked, Noah was to rebuild the ark and save two of every living thing, along with a few good humans. “Here’s the blueprint,” said the Lord. “Hurry – in six months I start the unending rain.”

Six months later, the rain came down. The Lord saw Noah weeping in his yard – and no ark. “Noah,” he roared, “where is my ark?”

“Forgive me, God,” begged Noah. “Things have changed. I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspectors about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbors claimed I violated the neighborhood zoning by building the ark in my yard. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Getting wood was a problem. There’s a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists I needed the wood to save the owls. No go.

I gathered the animals, but got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted I take more than two of each kind. Environment Canada decided I could not build the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood.

I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission over how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.

The Canada Customs and Revenue Agency has seized my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take about five years to finish this ark.”

The skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder.

“You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?” he asked.

“No,” said the Lord. “The government already has.”

Little Douglas was in his class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up – fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

Dougie was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

“My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if an offer’s really good he’ll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money.”

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little Doug aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”

“No,” said Dougie, “He’s a politician, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids!”

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of the”k”. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e”s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze vurld!

War at Sea – How Canada and the USA Nearly Went to War

This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a US Naval ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

CANADIANS:

Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS:

Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS:

Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS:

This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS:

Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.

AMERICANS:

THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET, WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE
CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

CANADIANS:

We are a lighthouse. Your call.