On a Sear’s hair dryer:

• (Gee that’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)

“Do not use while sleeping.”

On a bag of Fritos:

• (The shoplifter special)

“You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.”

On a bar of Dial soap:

• (And that would be how … ?)

“Directions: Use like regular soap.”

On some Swanson frozen dinners:

• (But its “just” a suggestion)

“Serving suggestion: Defrost.”

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):

• (Too late!)

“Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

• (As night follows day …)

“Product will be hot after heating.”

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

• (But wouldn’t this save me more time?)

“Do not iron clothes on body.”

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine:

• (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of all those accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds out of those cars.)

“Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”

On Nytol Sleep Aid:

• (One would hope.)

“Warning: May cause drowsiness.”

On most brands of Christmas lights:

• (As opposed to what?)

“For indoor or outdoor use only.”

On a Japanese food processor:

• (I gotta admit, I’m curious.)

“Not to be used for the other use.”

On Sainsbury’s peanuts:

• (Talk about a news flash.)

“Warning: contains nuts.”

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

• (Step 3: Fly United.)

“Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”

On a child’s superman costume:

• (I don’t blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

“Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”

On a Swedish chainsaw:

• (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My God!)

“Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”

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